Would You Like A Jelly Baby?

Jelly Babies

So I like Doctor Who. Doctor Who is the story of a time-traveling timelord whose hobby is saving everything. One aspect of the show that has made it last nearly 50 years is that the main character can "regenerate" into a new body, allowing the Doctor to be played by a different actors.

Above: Heh. Eccleston only lasted one year.

I was introduced with Eccleston (the ninth doctor), who admittedly didn't impress me. But after seeing the first few episodes with Tennant, I was hooked. It wasn't long until I finished Tennant, and then his predecessor, Smith. Then I encountered a problem, what do I do now once I caught up and finished all the modern episodes of Doctor Who?

Easy, go to the past. So I went to arguably the most popular doctor of all time, Tom Baker (the fourth Doctor).

Above: Would you like a jelly baby?

Baker's most-said line after "I'm the Doctor" and "Don't harm her!" is "Would you like a jelly baby?"
So I looked into jelly babies, and discovered that they are essentially only sold in the UK. So of course I had to get my hands on some jelly babies.

After running between three candy stores in the windiest, rainiest storm ever, I found them! Behold my babies.

Above: Every man's dream. Delicious edible babies

They taste like the inside of a Swedish fish, covered in flour and with an assortment of flavors. I believe my flavors were strawberry, lemon, lime, orange, and blackcurrant. Never heard of blackcurrant? Neither had I. It tastes and looks like blueberries, but is (supposedly) something else. Coincidentally, I have never found a blueberry product while here in Scotland. Blackcurrant conspiracy? Definitely.

 Above: Would... would you like to eat babies with me? Please?

I have a while to go before I can offer strangers candy with the same charisma that Baker does.

Scotland Owes me an Umbrella

Bad Scotland. You're a very bad Scotland.

So I was tired of getting rained on every day, so I bought an umbrella. A spankin' new, right-out-of-the-gas-station umbrella. This is what happened after my first time using it.

 Above: COME ON! SERIOUSLY?

 

 Above:  Don't ask. I don't even know.

 Above: Is this even possible? Look at that angle!

Needless to say, I had to throw it away. In its defense, when I pulled it out the rain was practically falling sideways. It was so windy I saw full-grown trees shake at their roots. If I had a sturdier umbrella, I could have probably Mary Poppinsed my way home. At least I have the jelly babies.

Bryan's Chemical Engineering Adventure

If you ever wondered what it's like to think like Bryan, now I'll give you an idea.

So it was snowing outside. This filled me with childish joy for about 70 milliseconds. Then I realized I had only two layers, neither of which were waterproof. Solution? Time to eat lunch. It was a two-fold solution because 1) I'd get lunch (which is not guaranteed everyday) and 2) I could possibly wait out the snow.

By the way, I don't understand Texas right now. After I left Texas suddenly had an extremely cold winter. What's with Texas getting snow and Scotland being rainy? What kind of backwards world is this?

 Above: Time for Lunch

Anywho, I went to a student cafe to get a sandwich. I found this "Chicken, Bacon, and Mayonaisse"sandwich for three pounds. That's over five dollars! Also, the sandwich was from a refrigerator, so it was dead cold. I don't need a cold sandwich for my snowy day. 

So I asked for them to microwave my sandwich. Five bucks is a tall price for a stone-cold sandwich.  But they wouldn't. Here's how it works: If they provide me some food, it does not get taxed, but if they heat it, then they are providing a service. Services do get taxed. The tax in Scotland is 20%! And I thought Texas had it bad. 

Above: Potentially Hot Meal

So now I had a cold sandwich. I did not settle for this. What I needed was energy. Free energy. Where could I possibly get that? The only way anyone would offer free energy would be if it was public. What needed was a bathroom! Bathrooms have a hot water tap, and thus provided me the free energy I needed for a warm meal. The sandwich had an insulating plastic shell, preventing matter (water) from transferring. It only allowed for energy transfer. This is what chemical engineers call a closed system.

Now it's just a Fourier's Law problem. I can see it now:

A long cylindrical sandwich of radius r is immersed in a large heat reservoir at 50 degrees Celsius, the center of the cylinder at t=0 is 10 degrees Celsius. Given a thermal conductivity k, model the temperature of the center of the cylinder with respect to time. When does the center reach 40 degrees Celsius?

Above: Fourier's law, awwww yeah.

Sorry if that scared you off. Now I don't know if you're turned off my me heating a sandwich in a bathroom sink, or by the math. Anyways, this is how I see the world. It was the easiest and cheapest way to heat my sandwich. 

So I went on a bathroom hunt. All the nearby ones were closed. And then I found it!

Above: A Large Heat Reservoir

Fortunately for those opposed to sink-heating, I found this sink in a teacher's lounge. To my left was another device.

Above: Fine, I guess you could use this. If you want to be conventional.

Above: An unexpected source of free energy.

The end result was a delicious sandwich.

I am Poison

After dropping my economics class, I was stuck with many unnecessary textbooks. So I went from book store to book store, only to discover that in Scotland it's custom to donate books back for free. There was only one american style bookstore nearby where they pay for used books, called Southside books.

So I walk all the way there, only to discover that they had closed until the next semester.

Above: Closed for the Semester

It was unfortunate, but it was understandable. Stores close down sometimes for any number of economic reasons, especially in this case where most students already have their textbooks. On the way back, I went to see where I bought my first Russian hat, down at Unico, just to find a plywood board in front of the door. Well that sucks, they also closed weeks after I bought from there.

Above: Permanently Closed

By this time I get pretty hungry. Fortunately I found a panini place called Baguette Express that sells for only 2.20 pounds. Every other place sells for 3 pounds or upward, so Baguette Express is a godsend. Finally, AFTER the textbook shop was closed and AFTER my hat shop was permanently shut down, I find that Baguette Express has also been shutdown and will be replaced by a mediterranean cafe. 

Above: Also Permanently Closed

Did every place I wanted to go to today shut down? Yes. Apparently if you are a Scottish business you do not want to have me as a customer. I'm like that cat that visits terminal patients hours before their death.

Above: Metaphor

Either that or I am poison for businesses. I prefer this theory, as it makes me sound powerful. I am Bryan, destroyer of businesses, drainer of energy, eater of babies.